things that happened today

Jeff (official visitor to the toystore on a daily basis / delusional / schizophrenic) comes in, does his usual lap and then PAUSES in front of the Obama 500p puzzle (on sale - 50% off) -- Jeff picks up the first puzzle, looks longingly into Barack's sketched eyes, and plants a kiss on the box. He then does this to the remaining three puzzles. Then he goes and does it to the Hannah Montana games, so I knew it wasn't much symbolism after all.

I'm bent over putting 30% stickers on things when two women (as far as I tell from my side angle) enter the store. I continue with my business of discounting, when I suddenly hear two men discussing the popular board game, "Dirty Minds." I look up and see the two women by the board games. Still, I look around the corner of the nearby display for the new, male customers. Turns out they were two trannys. One wore aftershave (the irony?) Exiting the store, one cried out in a whisper, "I wish that giraffe had a dick."

Text Message - March 23 -- 2:33

" an asian guy named Tang Kwok just bought Bibleopoly"

Collected Poetry

Untitled 1

Left turn, down wind.
Blanket for the road.
Waged on the nostrils.

Never sourced nor seen,
As if a ghostly truck spilled,
Or a tree let for syrup.

Though hardly the syrup
To complement a breakfast,
Please, just walk to a toilet.


Untitled 2

Left hanging there,
Left for dead.
The rotting stench
Gets to your head.

Passersby, heads keep down,
Ye innocent living souls!
Now have you known the wrath
Of these perturbed bowels.


Untitled 3

This the scent of a woman.
Breathe it deeply, lads.
The odor, a welcome friend.
To live is the breathe here.

Ah, to think of whence it came.
Not flower bloom'd in sweet summer,
Nor fragrant fall of dear autumn,
Can match the scent of a woman's bottom.

"Who, in your opinion, is most likely to iron their underwear in their future?"

"John Fazmoli's Indian Roommate"

Dear Mr. Hejny,
   I recently completed and emailed your on-line application form. I trust that you received it on the day specified, March 13th. I am still very much interested in working for GoGames!, and if there is any more information that you need for your consideration, I am anxious to oblige. I am certain that i could make a real contribution to your business.
                                                                         Thank You,   Jim Hornblow

Jim Hornblow has been in retail since 1991. He enjoys fly fishing, women's panties , and The Davinchi Code. (In sum, he could figure out our job in 5 minutes.)

yeah, were free to do anything...

like hapkido, or traveling

I wonder what the Japanese word for hair gel is?

Secret Shopper Stabbed

SAN FRANCISCO --- Tammy Kinderson, renowned Secret Shopper for the website "SassieShop.net" died late last night as a result of head trauma thought to have been caused by assault with a deadly Smencil--a non-toxic scented pencil, not to be consumed with alcohol.

Kinderson, 29, was performing an initial inspection of the highly acclaimed Go! Toys & Games store, wearing her normal less-than-arousing attire of a pleather jacket, silver eyeshadow, and clear braces. Unfortunately for her, the sales associate was highly trained as a student in the Peter J. Hejny School of Retail.

Witnessess claim that Kinderson approached the register after spending 15 minutes or so awkwardly thumbing her pockets in the back corner of the store while looking at her Miss Piggy watch. She is said to have requested a suggestion to the associate as to an appropriate party favor. He invited her to sample the various scented pencils (Smencils) on display near the register, all while his arms were meticulously folded across his chest. Kinderson mistook this gesture to be the look the weary salesman, briefly letting her guard down to tease some day-old tuna from a wired tooth, bringing the smencil up to her nose.

The sales associate is said to have seized this moment to leap over the cash register, perform the moonwalk, and then shove the pencil up Kinderson's nose. He screamed "Mr. Hedgeknee warned me about you" as she fell to the ground dead.  The sales associate then proceeded to tell the corpse how he worked as a wildland firefighter last summer.

Hello World! Robbie's Phone Broke

I told a bum I couldn't give him money because all I had was twenties.  He said, "How 'bout a ten?"
Then we rode our bikes in circles for a while.
Robbie's phone fell on the pavement and got run over by a car.  By the treadmarks, it looks like a hybrid. Go San Francisco.

Just Another Saturday and a Korean Kid Plays the Flute

It was St. Patrick’s Day celebration on Market St. here in San Francisco. It was a warm and sunny and there was a parade. Everyone was wearing green clothing except us. There were large men in green thongs playing tubas and there were girls flashing their green-painted breasts from the windows of a green bus. Somebody gave us green pins that read, “I shamrock SF.” I accidently pricked myself in the chest when I put it on.

We don't know these people and don't care.

A scrawny Korean boy in a sweatshirt came into our toy store carrying a slender black instrument case.

“Oh, do you play the flute?” Robbie asked.

“Um, I just played in the parade.”

“Cool. Could you play something for us?”

“I can play what we just played in, um, the parade.”

He put the case on the counter and unlatched the clasps.

“Would it be cool if I took a video of you?”

“Nah.”

The boy pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose and raised the flute to his lips. He inhaled, silently counted off a measure with four nods, one-two-three-four, and blew.

He was no great talent. Wispy, nervous notes tripped and stumbled out of the end of the flute. The tune was akin to “Hot Cross Buns” or “Yankee Doodle” though it as likely could have been Beethoven’s 13th. For all we could tell he was trying to clear the dust out of a Nintendo cartridge. But the boy gave it his all. He held the quarter notes just as long as they should be held and the eighth notes half that. Whole notes were not unnoticed as they lingered longest in the spit-streaked interior of the flute. They seemed to drag their fingernails along the whole length of it, screeching, resisting their inevitable final resting place in our ear canals.

The boy finished playing the song, bowed his head and quickly disassembled the instrument. I applauded loudly. The line of customers waiting to pay at the register did not.

“Boy, that was great. Really. Wow. Here, have a deck of playing cards for free. That was really something.”

“Thanks.”  He walked out the door, head still bowed.

Robbie said to me, “I really hope that free deck of cards holds him over for the next six years of ridicule.”

***

Later Nancy Pelosi's bodyguards came in, privately introduced themselves and recommended we never leave the west coast.  They looked about as aggressive and capable as McDonald's drive-thru workers.

After work, we met two good-looking girls from Phoenix who never called us back later.  We celebrated our new (not newly) gay friend's 26th birthday, and Peter wiped out on his bike when the de-railer broke and he skidded out on the pavement on Fillmore St.  Bloody knees and elbows.

What a strange eventful night.

Let's make dance party videos.

Are we rich yet?

Today's Headlines

Man Sporting Patagonia Shoes Makes Citizens' Arrest.
Suspect Battered Passing Cars with Stale Baguette.

Danny Glover Brings Grandson to Mall.  Buys Nothing.
Entire 2nd Floor Now Believes There Really Are Angels in the Food Court.

Woman Denies Abusing Light-Up Whale Toy in Bath.  Nobody Fooled.

Asian Tourists Take Group Photo with Giant Stuffed Panda. 58th Occurance This Week.